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PHOTO OF THE MONTH
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Ned
"I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin."
"You're not useless. Useless is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all."
"I was incapacitated by not being able to think."
"You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?"
"Somehow or other it all comes back to my magic finger."
"I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?"
"My name is Ned. I wake pies and make the dead. That was creepy."
"People who are dead but not dead usually come up against angry mobs withpitchforks."
"You don't just get to put those pictures in my head. That's an insult onmy imagination."
Chuck
"You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies."
"I love I-have-a-plan-Ned. Who says spontaneous is sexy? Sexy is a man with a to do list, some schematics and the right tools to hot wire a Norweigian RV."
"It's like driving a car blindfolded. You just have to relax."
"What about CHUD? Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers." Olive
"This is a pie-house, not some sort of herbal crack den."
"That wasn't the Truth Bus. That was the Bitchy Crosstown Express."
"I could smell trouble on her like she stepped in it and it stuck to her heel."
"Ned hates Halloween, you know. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of PMS."
"I don't need protection. That's what I have several long-standing restraining orders for."
"You guys show up and they're jumiper than a bunch of kangaroos on a pogo stick."
"This iddy biddy's always on your side no questions asked."
Emerson
(About the coroner's jumper) "That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass."
"I love you, shovel."
"Oh hell no!"
"Oh look at that. A dumb idea just found a friend."
"I don't know diddly or squat."
"Damn you you iddy biddy traitor."
"Magic show? Now where did I put that rat's ass that I could give?"
"Death by scratch ‘n’ sniff. What the hell happened to people shooting
each other with guns?" Narrator
"The Pie Maker remembers everything."
"The facts were these..."
Simone
"When someone backs you into a corner you don't get obedient you biteback."
Group
Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie". It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? That's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying, "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or you're dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"? Doesn't that sound nice?Chuck: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor? Chuck: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around. Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Chuck: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thought. Ned: It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.
Emerson: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself. Olive: This isn't Pies "R" Us, Pie City, or Thousands of Pies in One Place. This is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking, mom-n-pop place. We chit chat here....Chit!
Emerson: Chat?
Olive: You got it. Olive: So what's the poop?
Emerson: The poop?
Olive: The poop. The scoop. The skinny. The haps. The dilly-o. The 411. P.I. lingo.
Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What's that mean?
Emerson: PI secret code for "Get me a damn slice of rhubarb." |
